He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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