Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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