I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
