So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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