Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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