The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
