I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
