you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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