im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
