I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
