You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
