I'm lost and stupid without you.
one might say we're banned from that church
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
