I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
