i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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