Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
