I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Randomize
