Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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