The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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