Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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