I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
