how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
