Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
