apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
