If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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