The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
