I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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