She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
