Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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