Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Everclear isn't food dammit
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
