wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
