I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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