I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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