ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
