I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
