We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He has the fingertips of a God
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