Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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