I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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