i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
