you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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