why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
