My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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