She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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