life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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