Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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