I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
