i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
