I just pynch a tree in the face
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
