Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
