Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
