You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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