yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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