I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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