Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
