My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
