I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Be still, my beating vagina.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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