Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Can you bring me the toilet please
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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