just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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