Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
