By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
