i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
